Living With Epilepsy

To give greater understanding to the motivation and substance behind the blogging, which is becoming more of a mental journal for me, I've continued my personal goal of getting back in shape. I joined a suggested local Gym, this is my third trip since landing in Germany. I have been taking it easy staying extremely aware of my body/aura (that alerts me of a possible seizure attack). 

I am still evolving out of being as private of a person as I wish to be. This mental weight, called a blog, is also helping me rehab my mind.

Let's get right into the story part of this...

I had just finished one of those workouts that feels so good, you want to do more. Could just be an old football thing to feel that way... I don't know? But after finishing core & a lil stretching, I thought about working the ropes. This is a work out that is more mind over matter, that creates majority of the umbrella of rehab I have created. I know some of you are thinking, I should just chill out, lay back and avoid taking all measures necessary to get back to mental balance. You might just be on your first step to learning who I am. Before football I was trained, the only way you stop a problem on the field of life was, to Run At It. Running away or accepting it is not a part of my Genetic structure. 

Back to this particular work out/gym they had several rooms and equipment to match. I felt a light aura creeping. My thought was, I could relax and mentally fight it off, as I've been training to do for the last decade, but....

"As in any War you can lose a battle but can't lose your Fight..."

Mateo Blu's Seizure from the Life Lesson's Series

Mateo Blu's Seizure from the Life Lesson's Series

I create quotes up to encourage myself as abstractly as I paint.  

I wasn't in this room solo. I must say I had the most beautiful and in shape friends, who invited me to use there time slot. As I was saying before, I had just checked back on them to see if they where close to finishing. 

As I walked away and felt the aura so I laid down on the matted floor. Heard a friends voice call out are you ok. I responded back as I felt my self slip deeper than I felt I would. 

"Get my pills..." 

Which I keep on me while work out if needed, or with someone that knows me in the area.

In hindsight it's easy to say. "I should have relaxed popped a pill, waited till my friends where ready and called it a Great Day."  See how easy it was to say that?! Hindsight can be as simple as a sentence, such is not life. 

I have a huge dislike and mistrust with pharmaceutical and there short term to long term effects to the human body on to many levels to discuss this time. I have mentioned things of this nature in past entries. No need to blow a bunch of smoke about it now. 

The last thing I remember thinking, which I believe shot me into the full seizure quicker was:

"Not another one, we can't have this happen in public, in front of friends, in a country your visiting in a gym." 

With in less then a second I had a flash back within the current moment, of the last time something similar to this happened. While in Baltimore attending an Artist's show that I had began to mentor/guide. It was his and the Galleries first showing I was excited to see a new Gallery open up in Baltimore. I felt like It was my duty to at least stop bye.

One of the friends from the Gym was visiting me in my hometown. I had a lot on my plate as usual but it felt like I could handle the crowd, noise & other little things that could set me on a course with yet another seizure. 

To make a longer story shorter... I didn't account for getting lost in the Artwork itself . A true Disciple of Art can not just create but can find as much enjoyment in the process of other creations.

This lead me to lose track of my agenda and physical limit for that already very long day. 

The color's, concepts, contain etc. had me literally trying to figure out how I could purchase a piece for my personal collection. That all changed as I felt a seizure coming on. I was on the 3rd floor, not enough time to get outside to breath fresh air and attempt to clear my mind. Wasn't going to make it through the crowd... I tried to make it into the restroom to at least not have this happen during their showing. Its a fucked up feeling. To think your alone or injuring self, others, in this situation Original works of Art, etc. 

While seizing and blacking out I could hear my non American friend break through the crowd. Saying why are you all just looking at him. I never expressed how low that moment felt. Mentally buried it until I natural compared the way this country and its people react to a person in need vs. my home and it's people. Thought it was crazy and a blessing that Maj witness both attacks. "Thank You

To give you a visual of what a seizure feels like. Side Effects created in "Butterfly Effect". Won't spoil it but the main actor transcends time space and reality, two totally different journeys but a likeness in the way the director captured being ripped into a different reality then back to the reality that can't really be your life.  Feels similar to my fight with Epilepsy on rest for close to a minute which feels timeless.  

Now back to the gym...for a different perspective, I'll let Maj tell you about the seizure I had there...

We went to the gym to meet up with Jazz and work out.
Blu was working out and Jazz and I did the same.
I was checking on him probably 20 min after we started and he said he is alright. (I told him not to over work himself) He said he won´t.
Jazz and I were almost done with our workout, we were stretching when Blu joined us. He kept working out with the medicine ball for a while and I guess he wanted to continue just a little bit more.
We were packing up our stuff and waited for him.
He suddenly sat down on the ground, pretended that he is alright… He wasn’t tho… (He told me later that he didn’t see the Aura rise up)
Luckily he was conscious enough to lay flat on the ground. I could not have hold him if he would have been standing up… Blu asked me to give him a “Lorazepam” and so I did. I wasn’t sure if he would be able to swallow the pill without water but I didn’t want to give him water because I was concerned that he would choke on that.

His hands and arms got stiff , his legs started shaking lightly, his neck twisted to the side, his eyes were moving really fast in every direction and the left side of his mouth pulled down. I put a towel under his head to make sure he didn’t hurt himself and sat by his left side. With one hand I held his arm and softly stroke the side of his face with the other one.
Jazz covered the right side holding his hand.
I talked to him, hoping that he could hear my voice and knowing that he is not alone in this situation.
Other gym members asked if they can help, I thanked them and told them that we are ok and not in need of medical help.
It was good to see, that they were respectful enough to not stop an stare or cause any disturbance while Blu had the seizure and we were handling the situation the best way we could.

It was probably 40 sec. until his body stopped cramping… He was just laying there, covered in sweat from the hard work his body had to go through seconds/minutes earlier. I started to dry off his face, arms and legs with a towel.
He looked at me and not looked at me at the same time. I have never seen his eyes like that… His pupils were extremely wide, he had that empty stare, which led in to nowhere.
He made me understand that he wanted his eyes covered ( which makes sense, thinking about his pupils )
His breathing was fast and uncontrolled, I started to guide his breathing by telling him to inhale slowly through the nose, hold the breath for 3 seconds and than exhale through the mouth.
It didn’t take long until his breathing went back to normal.

He asked for another Lorazepam still laying down and recovering from what just happened. I went to get our stuff from the locker room while Jazz watched over him. When I got back, I helped him into his clothes, he sat up and took a 3rd pill. He said he feels nauseous… Jazz and I helped Blu to get up and ready to leave the gym. He looked extra cool leaving the gym with two ladies in his arms ;)

We left just in time… the second we were outside, Blu had to vomit…

One of the trainers came outside and asked if he could help, we asked him for a bucket of water to rinse the pavement.

We got to the car and back to the house.
— Maj

 I wanted to go deeper than my personal account with this entry. At this stage of My personal Mental Warfare with Epilepsy, thinking too much on particular things can cause episode. Once again I share these things not for self interest but in hopes that everyone this reaches can learn or be inspired. Leave a comment if you found Knowledge or Motivation from what was shared.